Every now and then I like to slip into someone I haven’t played with in a while. And it’s not the neighbour’s wife if that’s what yer sleazy mind is thinking. Icklemagz is my chunky young Dwarf, idly loitering around Stormwind and it’s fair to say he has his uses from time to time. Apart from being of perfect proportion to wipe my Mammoth’s backside, he does provide me with many little nuggets of information and gossip from the Human capital. The latest rumour has it that raiding for the Alliance is to be curtailed due to tiredness in the classrooms the following day, whatever that is meant to imply. I’ve been using Icklemagz to spread the news of my quest to bring the voices of the unheard to the masses of Azeroth and beyond. I was surprised that so many came forward to speak to my lowly Dwarf. It must be my innate animal magnetism that does it. At least in the case of Melris Malagan anyways. Macho macho man indeed.
When I get off my shift tonight I really must nip over to the Apothecary’s and get some lotion. This suit of armor really chafes you know. I said to them when I achieved the position of Captain of the Guard that heavy plate was not my style and that the steel brings my skin out in a rash. Did they listen? Those big hairy lummoxes wouldn’t be able to distinguish pure unblemished skin from a ravasaur’s scaly manjewels. All beef steak and no crab terrine that’s what I say. Yet what can I do? This job requires butch struttings and heart guffaws, slapping the nubile maidens on the posterior being par for teh course. I can only be glad to paid attention in drama lesson back when I was at school. The art of deception and pretense was one skill I’m glad I learned back then.
My predecessor as Captain had a reputation for sowing his wild oats amongst the fair lassies of Goldshire. I’m not expected to be the same, the city elders have paid out enough in child maintenance to the hicks in the country, but then again, I am the paragon of Stormwind manhood and should be prepared to act accordingly if the need arises. The thought of siring a new breed of human superhero to defend Stormwind from the beefy orcs and the delicate blood elves always gives me a chuckle. I wouldn’t mind a tussle to the death with one of those Blood Elf Paladins with his jaunty laugh and taut but….wait… I’m going off track here. Focus Melris, focus.
Justine knows my true self. She’s been by my side for a while now and we share everything together. Her knowledge of facial products is staggering. I tell her she should leave the army and set up her own parlour. I fancy doing a bit of crimping there myself once my tour of duty ends. Wash and blowdry Madam? Trim the hair from your lips, m’lady? Always better to be upfront with your clients I think. Justine has said she would think about it, though I do think she’s more interested in getting down and dirty on the battlefield. Everyone’s different eh? She does like a good bitch and a gossip though which makes the day bearable here in the city centre. “Oh look at him with big shiny sword”, she’d say, knowing rightly we’d both be chuckling at the double entendre. She swore herself to secrecy about my, well you know, double life. And for that I love her dearly. We’re like girlfriends really.
After the Apothecary’s I’m going to go home and have a long hot bath. My armor weighs an absolute ton and usually by about late evening, my muscles start to really feel the strain. nothing beats a steaming lavender bubblebath though, to ease the stresses and strains. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend tonight at the Gilded Rose, so I’ll not dwell in the bath too long. Don’t want to be all pruned on a first date, paints a bad picture. Hmmm, might need to replenish my stock of oils and creams. I’ll see what’s on offer at the Apothecary’s when I’m there. Oh I just wish this day was over, so much to do, so much to wax. Oh no, the gnomes are running amok in the cheese shop again. They should know enough about the rat-traps by now. I’ll have to go release them again. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to talk to you again sometime. Take care of yourself.
The Citizens of Azeroth 